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November 5, 2011
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All she wanted was to be heard.
But, fuck, apparently that wasn't a feasible request, because the second she said what was on her mind, she offended someone, was shut down, and went on like that, in an unbreakable cycle, until she had not a clue what to do with herself.
She didn't have it hard—she had the greatest pair of parents in the world, a sister who drove her nuts but she loved anyway, a great group of friends.
She tried her hardest to keep her mouth shut, not to upset everyone around her, to keep things the same.  She'd deny it, but she feared change.  She feared that everyone who was important to her today would somehow disappear, maybe just not be important anymore, and then what?
Where would she be?
She has a best friend, a girl she cares about more than almost anything.  She'd do anything for this girl, and this girl is the only one that knows just about everything.
She always has something on her mind—a lot of times, she's not even involved.  Maybe it's just a friend dealing with something.  But she feels for everyone, tries her best to keep the people around because they matter far too much to just disappear.
She has a tendency to take things too far, and so she thinks.  She hasn't had a stable guy friend in her life.  She has a great self image, but some days, she hates everything that makes her herself.  
Isn't that normal though?  Teenagers hate themselves sometimes.
She was born a month early, and the doctors told her parents to feed her every two hours.  She's struggled with her weight ever since.
She's far too mature for her age, always worrying about things that shouldn't worry her, always overanalyzing the people and things around her, always pinning the blame on herself, because when she doesn't, someone else will have to take it.
Something happened to her two years ago, messed her up.  She doesn't know if she's the same as she was back then.  Maybe a bit more serious, a bit more emotional, but she doesn't think she was drastically affected, even if it should have.
Silently, she compares herself to everyone.  Maybe it is to make herself feel better, she doesn't know.  It's always, I want to end up like this, or I don't want this to happen.
Silently, she begs for attention.  She hasn't had a boyfriend for two years, isn't technically allowed to date.  She just wants to be seen.  She just wants somebody to prove her wrong.
She loves her friends, sometimes a bit too much.  She wonders if they always want her around, or if she just annoys them.  She's a bit too quiet, a bit too analytical, never really says what she thinks.
She takes too much to heart.
She's beginning to hate text messages, because she can never tell whether or not people are joking, whether or not it's her fault.
She likes to bake.
She's a writer, and an artist, so that she can handle the stress.
She tries too hard to watch out for everyone.
And slowly but surely, her words are getting her into trouble.
She can't feel in moderation.
And she's sorry for everything she's done wrong.
This is the way I see myself.
.
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:iconbaanana199928:
baanana199928 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I think you should say more what your thinking. You look really intelligent and have wonderfuls ideas and a great way of thinking! I wanna hug you, you look such a wonderful person!!! :iconhugplz:
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:iconpufferfish8d:
Pufferfish8D Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, you're sweet <3
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:iconcheeselovingchester:
CheeseLovingChester Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
This is very relatable, I've felt the same many times.. These teensy, tiny things that happened way back can still float up to mind, keeping my head occupied for a very long while.

I'm sorry that you have to feel like this. <3
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:iconpufferfish8d:
Pufferfish8D Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
It's alright, because for the moment, it's me, and I'm okay with that, you know? Like, here's all my flaws, but there's so much more to me than that.
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:iconcheeselovingchester:
CheeseLovingChester Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Yes, indeed, there is <3
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:iconpufferfish8d:
Pufferfish8D Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
<3
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:iconestrangedjunkie:
EstrangedJunkie Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
are you in my brain?
I'm serious, this is just like me
:hug: but you seem like a much better person, I'm dishonest, always trying to say what I think people want to hear, not what I really thinks
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:iconpufferfish8d:
Pufferfish8D Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Yes, I'm in your brain.

The thing about me is that I only say what I think when prompted. Otherwise, I just listen. And it comes back to bite me in the ass sometimes when so much stuff piles up that I don't know what to do with myself.

But, you know, the guy I thought I offended, the reason for writing this in the first place, I hadn't even offended. I went all overanalytical like I do, and in reality, his phone had died >///< such an idiot sometimes.
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:iconestrangedjunkie:
EstrangedJunkie Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I do that often too XD
glad to hear that he's not mad at you :D
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:iconpufferfish8d:
Pufferfish8D Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I keep on wondering if I just annoy everyone, to top that off. I tend to ask lots of questions--maybe it's to keep them talking so I don't have to? I dunno, ignore me, it's 1am xD
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